It is important to celebrate the men in our lives who have taken a rightful place in their families by staying in the lives of the children that they made, or have come to take responsibility for.  For me, its bittersweet.

There, I said it, father’s day is a bittersweet day for me.

I love to celebrate, and I had an awesome evening with my children and their father this father’s day.  It is always bittersweet though because I’m not sure if I should call my own father and recognize him.  As a child, I had not had a reason to tell a man “Happy Father’s Day”, so I am quite out of practice.  With my dad and I only forming a relationship after I turned 40, I’m real rusty. It’s only not awkward when I think about my daughters and how close they are to their father.

When I first became a single mother, I was the first one to like every posting that celebrated single mothers on father’s day.  Every other posting was by or for women who are still trying to make meaning out of their lives and why they are raising a son or daughter without the support or partnership of the man whose seed planted them.

Then I read a posting on a male acquaintances’’ Facebook page that went something like:

“MOTHERS ARE NOT FATHERS SO I DON’T WANNA SEE NO DAMN MOTHERS ON HERE CELEBRATING FATHERS DAY. NOT UNLESS YOU’RE A STUD TAKING CARE OF YOUR GIRLS KIDS….”

The discussion from this post was hot with comments:

The women were out doing each other with stories of betrayal from their “sperm donor”,

The men kept reminding them that none of that makes them a father.

It was a hard truth.  Women who celebrate themselves as fathers appear to be resigning to the abandonment mentality they claim to resent.  It’s almost like a complaining about and begging for the same thing.  At the same time, it permanently replaces the child’s real father with what you think is your version of fatherhood.

Does this make the runaway father any better?  At this point it is not about him anymore.  It is about your children, and the fact that according to the U.S. Census Bureau,²

Out of 12.2 million single parent families in 2012, more than 80% were headed by single mothers.

Today, 1 in 3 children – a total of 15 million – are being raised without a father. Of that group, nearly half live below the poverty line.

Almost 70% of African-American women who gave birth in the past year were unmarried. 

We have an epidemic on our hands, and are too wounded by its effects to come up with solutions.

What do you think?  Can mothers really actually be fathers as well?  Comment below. 

Dating in the 21st Century can be extremely complicated.  Some of us just opt-out all together, and hope and pray that the perfect man will come and rescue us from our self-imposed exile from  the sex, lies and text messages of love.  Battle torn, we retreat to our bedrooms and beg God to bring us that man that we want.  “You know God, that handsome man with no debt, no small kids, his own house and a job with benefits.”  Instead of retreating or waiting on that perfect man to find us, we should resolve to learn from our foolish mistakes and commit to be smart about dating.  But, if you are Smart, Grown…and Sexy, you have come to know there are rules to this.  Check out the article below: 5 Pillars of Dating for the Smart, Grown and Sexy Generation.

Our beloved Dani is here with some key tips for you Goodwives! The 5 Pillars of Dating  Let’s look at a few of the “Do’s and Dont’s” of dating in 2013.  See if you agree.  This is not an exhaustive list, these are what we call the main pillars.  Comment below to add some other key advice you’ve gotten that works.

DO Your Research

I’m very serious about this. You need to treat dating as if you are an employer. You are looking for the best candidate for the job.  I would suggest using websites like http://www.instantcheckmate.com/ to check out a potential “candidate”.  It’s about $20 a month but we shouldn’t put a price on our piece of mind.  And if you think this is a little too invasive then just ask questions. Ask the right questions. Ask about their background. Ask about plans for the future. This is just part of getting to know someone and that’s what dating is for.

DON’T  be Desperate

I see a lot of woman out there that will do just about anything for a date.  This includes using their bodies to get what they want. I’m not saying not to have sex. We are all adults. But don’t sacrifice your good judgment and self-respect for a free meal. No man is worth that. If a man takes you out to a nice dinner that does not earn him a free rump in the bedroom.  It happens, but there’s a very slim chance that your one night stand will turn into a respectable, long lasting relationship, the odds are against you. And the whole purpose of dating is to find loving relationship that could lead to marriage. Don’t sell yourself short.  So for starters, and this is a BIG one: If your really smart,  you would take married folks out of your dating database.  This comes out of the wisdom section of:  Don’t Start None, Won’t Be None.

DON’T Ignore Red Flags

This is huge for me. I have been known to have a red flag, or two hit me in the face and pretend like it never happened.  I think we ignore the signs because we genuinely want a particular situation to work out. In the end we can lose ourselves and forget what really matters. If a man has a hefty bank account but you notice early signs of aggression, what good is the money going to do you if he controlling and abusive? It’s not worth it. Many women who are living an outwardly flashy lifestyle in a home with an abuser, would gladly trade for a typical home, decent school system, a mini-van and some PEACE.  Peace of mind, peace of soul, peace of time.  Pay attention to the signs. But also…don’t go looking for things that aren’t there making wild conclusions about things you really do not know. That  would be self-sabotage and could ruin a good opportunity.

DO Love Yourself

There’s a saying. “If you don’t love yourself how do you expect to love anybody else”? You have to know yourself inside and out. You need to treat yourself as you would your own child. You are your own boo.  No one is going to take care of you better than you. Once you start to love yourself and learn who you are then you will begin to understand what it is you want and don’t want in a relationship. Understand your insecurities and where they stem from. What are your weaknesses? What are your strengths? Date yourself and see how much you learn.

Do Practice Patience

This world of microwave, drive-thru, quick and easy, no time required should not apply to your love life.  How many times have you rushed something only to have to go back, do it over again, slow down, take your time and pay attention?  It’s an easier and less painful lesson when we are talking about driving directions, or home projects.  When it comes to matters of the heart, these lessons are much more painful.  Save yourself the pain of regret, and the stress of self-doubt.  Take your time and do it right.

I cannot say that I am an expert on dating. I have been at this for a while. I think I am finally learning what it means to “date smart”. Like you, I’m a work in progress.  I’m finding that dating someone new, while exciting and fun, can also be scary and frustrating. The most important rule for dating is to date with a purpose. Don’t date just for the sake of dating.  Don’t date just to say you have significant other. Don’t waste your time dating a man if you don’t see him as husband material. What’s the point of dating if there is no endgame? What’s your endgame? Think about it. Take the time to find out what you want and proceed with caution. Protect your heart but don’t guard it too closely. You still want the right person to penetrate those walls and show you the love and affection you deserve.

Comment below on the best dating advice you’ve ever heard. 

GoodWifeWorld is all about mothers, daughters and our areas of influence so today’s article is dedicated to the fatherless daughters and what kind of hole is left by fathers who leave their daughters.

I’ve long pondered what damage the absence of fathers in more than 40% of the homes of children has done to the social psychology of the African-American community.  Two recent media events have highlighted what I thought all along.

The first, and most salacious is the love triangle that we cringe to watch each Monday night on Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, or LHHATL.  LHHATL is an urban reality drama show that is mostly centered around the storyline of Stevie J, a talented music producer and his relationship with Mimi Faust his youngest daughters mother/“wifey” of 15 years and his recording artist/mistress Joseline Hernandez, a stripper with a thick Puerto Rican accent he met while she was working over a year ago.  He’s now turning her into a performing artist while having an illicit affair with her in front of Mimi and their young daughter.  She also refers to Stevie J as “addy”.   Can we say in unison….HOT MESS!

Woooo Chile!

This story about Mimi really got me thinking and then Oprah elevated the conversation with her #Fatherless Sons project. The first installment was on OWN (click here to go to that) and it was moving exercise in which Iylana Vanzant and Oprah Winfrey talked to fathers who left their children about why they left, what they told themselves while they were gone and what they tell their children about their absence.  They also spoke to sons (see video here) who have lived with the anger, fear and distress of being abandoned by their father.  It was all that I could stand to not break down on my knees and ball like I won the billion dollar treasure hunt.

The awareness I got out of Oprah’s #fatherless son project and LHHATL is astounding and is teaching me so much about the social psychology of our relationships today. We call it Baby Momma Drama or Baby Daddy Drama- but I think we need to come up with a new name for it.

Back to Mimi & Stevie J

Urban blogs have been ablaze with opinions on one side or the other about whether or not Mimi deserves the awful treatment she’s been handed by Stevie J and Joseline.   “A man can only do what you let him”; “she needs to move on”; “She has her own business, she doesn’t need him”….yada yada.

It is true that Mimi is a business woman in her own right, an attractive and loving mother as far as we can see on the show and on her IG account.

I take issue with those who call her stupid and point out that she deserves the treatment she gets because she has been with the man for so long.  I’m going to ask you self-made independent women to pump your breaks just a little bit and here is why:

Mimi was abandoned by her mother and her father.  Do you know what that means?  Do you really know what that means?  I’m interested to know.  She not only has 1 man sized hole, she has two.

I can tell you what it means.  It means that for the majority of women who are abandoned by their parents and forced to deal with it on their own, the first man who stays with them for more than a few years is the one that they will hold on to for dear life no matter what he does or says.  Period.

Reading Mimi’s story about her abandonment by her mother and father it all makes sense.  I don’t blame her, or judge her or point any kind of finger at her for how she is holding on to the one sure thing, no matter how bad or ugly or harmful it may seem.  It has been a sure thing for her.

Joseline on the other hand was raised by both her mother and father and still behaves as if she were raised by wolves, and not the nurturing kind in the Jungle Book.  Seriously.

What do you think?  Do fatherless daughters behave differently in relationships than daughters who had their fathers love?  Comment below.

We have a lot to say about self-esteem at Good Wife World.  Now it seems the conversation is getting louder and louder.

In a continuing effort the trail blaze the beauty industry, soap maker Dove conducted an experiment with women that proves we are more beautiful than we think.  What a refreshing message after years of being bombarded with images of stick thin women injected with enough pints of botox to embalm the jolly green giant.  How much of your self-esteem has been scarred by these images?  Some points go to Dove for hiring a FBI sketch artist to disprove myths we have about women and beauty?

A quick description of the commercial: Several women mingle with a stranger in a room, after which they go meet with the artist. Without really knowing who he is or what they are doing the artists asks them to describe themselves as he sketches their image. After the artist draws the woman as she described herself, she leaves and the stranger she met is brought in and asked to describe her as well.

The sketch artist completes a 2nd drawing and in each example, the first sketch (self-descriptions) are “worse/uglier” than the one drawn from the stranger’s description. Like the one below:

The web only ad commercial went viral this month and many are seeing this as more than a commercial, it’s a game changer for some in the beauty industry.  Although most find the commercial uplifting and inspiring, 24-year-old blogger Jazz Brice wrote a fair, but strong criticism of the ad which, among other things, points out the diversity lacking in the four main features of the commercial.  She also reminds us that Doves track record hasn’t always been so stellar “sometimes, they seem like they might be more than a little bit racist… and more than a lot bit racist (Skin bleaching? Really?!)”. She points out that even though Dove is trying to show us that we are more beautiful than we think, the company also pushes beauty as a standard for women to reach for, rather than say, intelligence or something else.  Ahhh for the love of critical discourse.

See the video:

What about you, what do you think of the commercial?  Are you critical of yourself, and do you think that Dove helps us look at our beauty in a new and empowering way?  Comment below.